An Offal Tale
by akaeve
Summary: A few dead bodies leads Ducky to think of the worst for St Andrew's Day.


Dr Mallard looked at the body, lying prostrate on the kitchen table, the liver ripped from the side of the body.

"Wow this reminds me of an episode from the X-files, Squeeze, I think it was," Jimmy said as he too looked at the victim.

"Not a bit young for that one?" Dr Mallard now enquired.

"I watched the re-runs a few years back, scared me stupid," Jimmy replied, "That was the one where Tooms ate human livers, after tasting foie gras."

They didn't see Tim enter the room, "Bah, Humbug," as he stood in a congealed pool of blood.

"Oh yes that one as well, that was when Scully and Mulder went to Gibsonton and where Lanny's twin, Leonard burrowed into the body," Jimmy now laughed the emphasis on Leon and Gibs, not seeing Gibbs or Tony now approach from the hall.

"I was thinking more along the lines of the Silence of the lambs, you know" Tony replied now chattering his teeth, "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice, Chianti", but then again there were only, according to the film, 3 major centres for homosexual surgery and one was John Hopkins," Tony added smiling looking at Tim.

"You insinuating something? Anyway they stopped that years ago and I did biochemical engineering, remember."

"Please this is a crime scene and I need to take some measurements, and do some tests," Ducky added looking at the ensemble.

"Kinda puts the liver probe out the window doesn't it," Gibbs responded, looking at Ducky.

"Jethro, I expect that sort of chat from your team not you, but yes liver is very nutritious, mother always liked lambs' with onions, but I need to get our victim home so I can determine what exactly he died from." As Ducky now turned and walked away.

"Looks like we're helping you put it in the bag," Tony added looking at Jimmy.

-oOo-

The team were getting nowhere but Ducky had got an estimated time of death, 12.30am. He still wasn't sure cause of death but the indentation in the skull, blunt force trauma.

The team tried all avenues but were drawing a blank until the next day when the call came in, another body at Quantico and this one was also missing an organ.

-oOo-

Ducky and Jimmy looked into the gaping hole where the heart had been.

"Well we can get a liver probe this time," was all Jimmy could say.

"Actually was going to say, his heart just isn't in the job anymore," Tim added now getting in on the act.

"This is all very disturbing," was all Ducky could say.

"Now I am thinking "Milagro" the X-Files again, you remember where the heart is pulled from the victims?"

"Yes I do, that was in a later series," Jimmy added smiling.

"Oh well better get him home," Ducky sighed.

-oOo-

The next day another call, another body, found in Norfolk. This time the lungs or lights, as they are sometimes called, removed.

"I see the lights went out on this one," Jimmy just laughed, but saw the look in Dr Mallard's eyes.….Ducky was looking worried.

"Something bothering you, Duks?" Gibbs asked.

"I was thinking Jethro, what if the next body, if there is a next body, has it's stomach removed. I mean we are nearing Halloween, then Thanksgiving and then we have St. Andrews Day, which I have an invitation to a dinner, and they will be serving haggis, it would too much to…."

"Stomach?"

"That is not funny Jethro, but yes."

"Who are the caterers or should I ask who is in charge?" Gibbs asked gently.

"My learned colleague, Dr Patrick Kelly, but he wouldn't could he?"

"Dr Mallard, if we don't have a victim with the stomach removed, we could in all honesty say it could be the English dish, faggots," Tim now added, "But  
>what?" looking at Tony.<p>

"So whose sexuality are you on about now?" Tony enquired.

"No, I just saying that, we have the heart, liver and lights removed, sometimes faggots are called ducks."

"Why yes, particularly in the Midlands, Yorkshire, and Lincolnshire, but in Lancashire, they are often referred to as "savoury ducks. But you forget the faggots can sometimes be wrapped in caul," Ducky added looking at the group.

"Caul? Tony asked looking confused.

"The thin membrane which surrounds the stomach," Tim began to reply.

"Yes, and it was often used as a sausage casing before hog casings and now more commonly to encase faggots and pate. Caul fat, is also known as lace fat due to the thin mesh netting lace effect," Ducky continued.

"Someone out to get you, Dr Mallard?" Gibbs now asked.

"I do hope not, but then I don't know what to think, except that the whole thing is just awful," came the reply.

"Awful….offal, why Dr Mallard that was really very clever," Jimmy said almost choking when Gibbs slapped his head.

"I would say "The truth is out there," Tony now laughed also getting a slap on the head.

The End. (for now maybe)


End file.
